#TUEmpower by @zsazsacaesar
Here is the truth. This version of me wasn’t built overnight. I’ve been living with vitiligo since I was 8. Has it been difficult? Yes.
I know vitiligo isn’t a life threatening disease and it doesn’t affect my physical health. But on this day and age where society places a great importance on looks, vitiligo affects my mental health as much as a physical illness would affect one’s body.
What I found most difficult were the little things: the looks that I got from people that passed by, or seemingly harmless questions like, “What happened to your skin? Does it hurt?”
I don’t blame them for asking, as I’d probably do the same thing if I was in their shoes. But these seemingly harmless events had brought my confidence down so low and made me feel insecure for a long time.
Here were my thoughts before:
I believed that vitiligo was a flaw, and I felt like such a failure every time I looked in the mirror and looked at my hands and legs where the spots were. Why God, why me?
I thought that I’d never have a “normal” life. No one would want to be in a relationship with me with my skin condition.
So back then, I decided to cover my vitiligo patches with makeup and stocking EVERY. F*CKING. DAY—to go to school, to the mall, and practically whenever I went out. I was very embarrassed and covering it all up lowered my confidence even more. But as time went by, I began to realize that it wasn’t all bad. My vitiligo had made be a better person. It had opened my eyes. It had taught and shown me the process of self-acceptance.
I’ve been insecure my entire life, and It’s impossible for the confidence I have now to be built overnight, There was always this inner battle every day, between my insecurities and my will to accept me for who I am. That was and still is the truth. And in this battle, sometimes I win, but sometimes I lose.
So I tried to put it this way; if I won this battle, my confidence will grow from a small seed to a beautiful plant.
But in order to do that, I have to make the choice each day to take good care of this seed, or else it will dry and die.
Yes it’s been a painful, difficult, tiring and overwhelming process—but through my willpower, I choose to go through it and maintain my self-confidence. Because someone once said that the day you plant the seed is not the day you eat the fruit. So enjoy the process, as you will learn and grow.
And for me, this long journey of self-acceptance isn’t just about taking care of my physical appearance, but also about paying close attention to my own mental health. I’ve been so lucky to have family and friends who supported me all the way—but believe me that while anyone can encourage, support and cheer you on, if you’re not brave and willing enough to do the inner work, you’ll become a child that never grows up. Remember: it’s okay not to be okay.
And for those who don’t have this problem, please understand and have empathy that this is not easy for us. It’s not our responsibility to explain it to you. Today I don’t really mind if anyone asks about my skin condition, but there was a time when those questions bothered me and made my confidence hit rock bottom.
So please if you are reading this, do your research, be kind and have empathy. ♥
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Cover photo: @shaktisiddarta | @zsazsacaesar’s story was taken from her Instagram highlight ‘Vitiligo.’