#TUEmpower by @cindercella
This is my eating disorder and self acceptance journey — this is my 10th year struggling to accept my physical appearance and battle with food. All I ever want is to love and accept myself. It all started when I was 15, I had no problem with how I looked and how much I weighed, but I wanted to try going on a diet, eat healthier and do tons of exercises just to see whether I’d be happier if I became skinnier than I was at the time. My body was shocked and it began to lose so much weight. And after a couple of months of diet and exercise, I couldn’t lose any more weight. That is when the problem happens. I started eating less and over exercising.
It got to the point where I only ate only 1 boiled egg everyday.
Cella, back when she suffered from bullimia
In the picture above, I was at my anorexic phase and I still remember feeling like I was not skinny enough still. Some days when I was hungrier, I’d eat an extra apple or jelly with no sugar. And at that time, I was a base cheerleader & I had to train 3-5 times a week everyday for 4-5 hours. Plus I was in the soccer team at school. Yes, I was anorexic but not for long. I started thinking that I looked best when I was starving. But after 1 month-ish, I began to feel exhausted and I felt like I’ve had enough.
I started binge eating. I ate every single thing that I could.
After eating all that food, I would feel very guilty. And that is where the story got worse. I started to vomit out all of my food right after every meal. After years of being bulimic, never looking good enough and a huge amount of self-hate, I became depressed and decided to go to a therapist, but it didn’t work. It got to the point where I started self harming and have suicidal thoughts. Went to several more therapists, nutrition experts, etc. None of them works. I cried everytime I look in the mirror.
My mom cried begging me to stop cos she doesn’t want to see me slowly dying. Relationships broken. Too many sad moments. All of these continued until last year.
The picture above was me last year. First time wearing a bikini after 9 years of not accepting myself and battle with food. And now I am still battling with food and the way I see myself in the mirror, but I just want to show you guys and myself how far I have come and how much stronger I am now.
I want to thank my body for being so strong after all she went through. I can now wear a bikini even though I don’t feel that confident yet. But that is a huge step for me!
I no longer purge my food and that’s a hardest thing to stop. Loving myself was and is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I am not giving up. And I can say that I am SO PROUD of myself. This is also because the huge amount of love and support that I get from my friends, family, and YOU ❤️ Thank you for loving me for me and thankyou for always supporting me. That is what keeping me alive till now. I know I haven’t fully accepted myself yet but I know I will and I can. For those of you who are struggling with the same or similar problem, please don’t stop fighting and don’t give up ❤️ you got this! Thank yourself for how far you’ve come. It hasn’t been easy.
And here I am again reminding all of you to stop body shaming because you could really hurt someone’s feeling. I hope this could help someone or two.
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@cindercella’s story was taken from one of her posts on her Instagram account.